What is Death Positive?

As I work away the afternoons and evenings building our new storefront and community space, I sometimes hear folks talking on the other side of our papered windows. I appreciate these insights into people’s feelings about our coming presence on Water St. and what we’ll be bringing to our Port Townsend community. One theme I’ve noticed is a lack of familiarity around the term ‘death positive’; I want to share a bit about the history of the term, and why we call ourselves a ‘death positive’ business.

WHAT DOES ‘DEATH POSITIVE’ MEAN?

A death positive perspective sees death as a natural and inevitable part of life, and advocates that it shouldn’t be shameful to engage with, be curious about, or work with death.

The term was coined by mortician, author, and advocate, Caitlin Doughty, who meant it to be kindred to the concept of ‘sex positivity’—seeking to remove shame from this natural part of the human experience. Caitlin is one of the founding members of the Order of the Good Death, a multifaceted collective of artists, academics, activists, and community members pursuing the goal of a more meaningful, eco-friendly, and equitable end of life. I have been a member of the Order of the Good Death since 2016, and my work within the death positive movement inspired me to create KALMA.

People who are death positive believe that it is not morbid or taboo to speak openly about death. They see honest conversations about death & dying as the cornerstone of a healthy society.

— Order of the Good Death

WHAT DOES ‘DEATH POSITIVE’ NOT MEAN?

It does not mean that we do—or should—have positive feelings about death. Instead, that we deserve spaces where we can safely explore all of the complex and intense feelings we have about death, dying and grief.

Today, I overheard a very concerning comment where someone interpreted ‘death positive’ as ‘pro-suicidality’ and I’d like to be exceptionally clear that this is not the case.

Death positive means you should be given support during and after a death, including the ability to speak freely about your grief and experiences. It also does not ask that we simply “accept” death, but that we push back and engage with the systems and conditions that lead to “unacceptable” deaths resulting from violence, a lack of access to care, etc.

— Order of the Good Death

WHY DO WE CALL OURSELVES A ‘DEATH POSITIVE’ BUSINESS?

Much of KALMA’s advocacy and education work has been born out of my own experiences of grief—over illness, disability, and loved ones lost. I have outlived many people I love, many of whom’s deaths were sudden, painful or violent. And in my experiences of grief, like many others, I found myself faced with a culture so unprepared to face the reality of loss that we instead expect people to hide these parts of themselves away. A culture of silence and separation does little to soothe pains that cannot be fixed, only carried.

Where I found comfort and healing was in connection: to others, and to the earth. I found support in communities where we could safely acknowledge the whole spectrum of our human experience. I found perspective and inspiration in studying the rhythms of nature, and how—with enough time—it reclaims all things. In studying the science of decomposition, I learned that decay is not an end but a transmutation - a vital process that makes loss into life, ends into beginnings, old into new. In advocating for more eco-friendly death and disposition practices, I found a different kind of afterlife in returning to the earth. These principles inform the products we curate, and the events we will host in our space.

I’ve now lived 8 years on this planet that my best friend never had; it’s that kind of perspective that made me realize my lifetime is my most precious, non-renewable resource. And that any time spent living, and not being my authentic self, is time wasted. As we create our shopfront and community space, we aspire to create a space where guests are not expected to hide parts of themselves away, but instead bring their whole selves.

Because life is too short to not be yourself, and we shouldn’t have to face the hardest parts of being human alone.